It’s about time for an update, but this is my first night alone at my house… And by alone, I mean for 15-20 more minutes till the ex gets here.
Croatia and Italy were pretty awesome. As soon as we arrived in Italy, (well, maybe day number two there), the ex was all about me. We’ve been pretty affectionate in private but still not too over the top with kissing and we hadn’t been holding hands at all, ever. All of that changed in Italy. He was like my boyfriend of the last 10 years. Hand holding, kissing, all of it. We had a few minor arguements, which I’ll get to in a bit… As a quick refresher, we went to surprise the ex’s best friend for his 30th birthday, as he is living in Italy with his fiance. All three of them went to elementary school together and have known each other for a long time, and ItalyFiance (sure, sounds like an okay name) and I have kept in touch since the ex and I broke up. I was actually going to visit them alone until the ex and I started things back up… When ItalyFiance and I were alone at one point, she said that her and ItalyBestFriend were watching us in the water a few days earlier and ItalyBestFriend was commenting that the ex is clearly happy with me and just needs to suck it up and make it happen… He clearly has been too.
However, I’VE been hesitant. For example, the ex agreed to pick me up on Saturday at 9pm from a camping thing (I didn’t want to camp). At 8:40, I called him since he wasn’t answering any texts. He was eating dinner with friends. I told him to take his time but to be sure to get there before the gate closed at 10:30. Guess who didn’t make it by 10:30? And he barely answered texts. I’m always on time. I think it’s disrespectful not to be on time and basically tells the person you’re meeting that they aren’t worthy of you being on time. He doesn’t see it like that at all. I wanted to talk about it on the way home but he was being a dick and told me that I never listen anyway so what was the point of talking. Communication was a big issue for us before, so I don’t want to overlook it now, and I want to work on it every chance we get now. I don’t want to have a boyfriend again and then realize our issues. I want them solved ahead of time.
I am really weary of having the same relationship. He did make me very happy and he still makes me very happy. But over the two years we spent apart, I really did see things about our relationship that I would never tolerate again. The biggest is not feeling like I’m making my boyfriend happy. He has really made strides in showing me that I make him happy. I guess the second biggest is our communication, and I forgot how much in the past he would tell me that I’m right and he’s wrong and I don’t listen. I never really see it as right and wrong. He thinks that if he’s not wrong, I wouldn’t be telling him to fix something because you only fix things that are wrong. I feel like two people are bound to have differing opinions, which are just that- opinions. Neither are right or wrong. But as a couple, you have to make those differing opinions work to make both people happy. It’s not that something needs to be fixed because it’s wrong, but it just needs to go from okay to better (to which my ex tells me that I don’t understand the meaning of wrong). He and I disagree a lot on the meanings of words…
Biggest word: Justify. He said he doesn’t need me to explain why I did something because I don’t need to justify it. I don’t think I’m justifying anything, because I’m not explaining why it was right. To justify is to make right. My actions are usually not right. But I want him to understand why I did those things, even if I shouldn’t have. He still says I’m justifying it. I still say I’m not trying to prove that I was right… As you can see, it goes in circles.
And I can’t do that. There can’t be circles for this to work. I want a relationship where we both make the other person a priority. I can’t even put into words how far I think we have both come, or at least how far I know he has come and how far I really hope that I’ve come. I want us to communicate and work things out. I’m not sure if we’re capable of that yet or not. I hope so. I really do. I’d love for our future to be together. But at the same time, I’m really seeing it as a possibility that this may not work out. There may have just been too much damage done in the past for this to be successful. Mostly right after an arguement, I can see that possibility more clearly, but it’s always there.
Either way, I think there will be closure. If we don’t end up together, I think we had a really good shot at it this time around. I think I’d finally be able to move on, as much as it would probably hurt. But that was my goal in all of this… I never went into this thinking we’d end up back together.
Anyway, since we’ve been back, he’s been here every night. He’s going to Florida on Thursday night and I’m going down Friday, but I won’t see him till Saturday night cause he’ll be at a hotel for a wedding. I’m totally fine with that. I’m just going to hang out with his sister and go to the beach and relax. I’ll spend Sunday morning with him and his other best friend. I’m actually slightly uncomfortable about that, because NewGirl hung out with the ex (obviously), that best friend, and his girlfriend. His girlfriend never met me first, so that means NewGirl was the favorite girlfriend. You know how that goes. And NewGirl and the girlfriend would talk shit about me over facebook chat, at least from what the ex told me (and he wouldn’t tell me that if it wasn’t true). So I just feel a little bit awkward… I know NewGirl is dating a new guy, but I still wonder if the girlfriend will run to tell NewGirl that we met… You guys know how girls are. Anyway, then I’ll stay in Florida till Monday afternoon before heading him and getting back to work.
I should go. The ex will be here soon… I was so excited to have the TV to myself for the Real Housewives of the OC. I’ve been catching up since I was gone for so long. I also got drunk off two beers yesterday afternoon watching the soccer game with the ex and his work buddies and spent my day hung over. Woops. But yeah, I guess my enjoyment of having my house to myself is almost over. I thought he’d spend the night at his place. I be sure to make it known that I don’t mind if he doesn’t stay here, because I don’t! Not ready for a live in boyfriend yet.
I also joined LA Fitness today. I haven’t gone to a globo gym in forever, but I’m still wearing my thumb splint so at least I can do some cardio until things improve, which they aren’t at all… I’m not sure how I feel about it. I sure as hell miss CrossFit… I celebrated my 4 year CrossFit anniversary splinted and losing all my muscle 😦
emarie24.wordpress.com 