So we had the talk

Dun dun dun. Just kidding. What a lame intro. Anyway, after my last blog, I noticed the ex had texted me. He was being really playful and told me that he had to leave his phone in his car to charge and that he’d text me between the 1st and 2nd inning of the Braves game. I thought that was weird cause we don’t normally text like that. Anyway, I was getting ready for bed and didn’t reply when he texted me, so he called me. Also weird. He was messing around on the phone… So I started thinking that whatever he had to say in response to my message had to be good.

Yesterday I worked all day and was having major eye problems. The skin by my tear duct was burning and red and swollen and it was watering and eye goobers kept preventing me from seeing. No idea what the hell was going on. I ended up getting home and falling asleep as soon as I walked in the door (literally took my shoes off and passed out on the bed) for an hour. I was supposed to meet up with Chrisitan Friend but my eye was still burning, so I cancelled. I wanted to go pick up my sunglasses from the mall though, so I went to grab them real quick. I had done a bunch of stuff for the ex for school that day (it was the last day to call and I knew he’d be too busy, so I did it) and wanted to update him on it. I called and he texted to ask me what was up cause he was driving. I said I wanted to tell him about school stuff but I could just stop by, so I did. (Luckily, my eye was feeling a little better.)

I got there and all this drama with the condo was happening. I’m so frustrated with all of it and may lose my friend of 10 years because of all of this, but whatever. I don’t even want to get into it because I just tried to send my old real estate agent (and my friend’s boyfriend) a message that took 30 minutes to type and then my computer shut down for upgrades. What the fuck.

Okay, anyway, so back to my ex’s. He was in a really good mood and asked if I cared if he showered real quick, and I said I was going to head home because my eye was still hurting and it was 9:30, but he said he really wanted me to stay so we could go to the pub, watch the Braves, and talk. So we did, after he persuaded me some more.

He told me how much I mean to him and how it makes him want to cry when he thinks of where he is because of me and how he can’t imagine his life without me in it. He said he doesn’t want to date anybody else because if he did, it would push me away and then he’d have to live without me. He said he’s given it a lot of thought in the last few weeks and it’s not that he doesn’t want a girlfriend, but he wants to feel like his life is on the right track (so he wants to get back in school). He said I make him extremely happy and we know each other’s flaws and he could see himself being happy with me for the rest of his life. He said that dating NewGirl made him realize that he couldn’t be happy even with a really good girl, so he knew that he had the issues that needed to be worked on. He said the end of our relationship had a lot to do with him and how he felt. He said when he read my message, he realized that he hadn’t been portraying the change in how he was feeling, so he was excited to tell me. He said that he hadn’t wanted to be affectionate because he didn’t want to send a message other than how he felt and he thought I’d get frustrated if he was affectionate but wasn’t ready yet for a relationship. I reiterated how slow I want to move… He said he understands if I reach my breaking point before he’s ready to commit, but that it’ll be his fault and he’ll have to take that as a loss. He asked how I felt at the end and I said it was all stuff I had heard, and then we went back over some stuff he had said and he said he knows he’s not putting how he feels into words accurately, because he feels completely different than he did a few weeks ago. I explained that while I’m happy to hear all of this, I was really getting to my end with our friendship in the last few weeks and I can’t just flip a switch and be happy. I need to see how this goes for awhile first, because if I just get all excited now, then I could just be let down. He wasn’t completely touchy feely last night, but he did touch my leg a few times and then he’d give me this stupid look. We ended up staying till 12:30 and then he walked me to my car and kissed me goodbye. It wasn’t all romantic or anything and it was just a peck, but hey, it was something… He did ask me to just take his lead with all of it so that he doesn’t get overwhelmed, which is understandable. Like I’ve said all along, I want him to feel ready for everything too. We did both acknowledge that the time apart benefited both of us and we both matured. We agreed that we communicate much better, but also both are aware that our communicaton goes down the drain during an arguement. However, now we can come back and talk about it rationally, and before we couldn’t.

So we’ll see. I’m still sort of over the whole situation, but I also have a ton of stuff going on. I close on my condo on Monday and have a lot going on (which the ex said he realizes and knows that his own realizations are sort of overshadowed with negativity from the condo situation) over the next few weeks. Once we get back from being in Rome together, I’ll live 13 minutes away from his house and our hangout places will be even more in the middle. I’ll also live just as close to his work as he does, just taking another route. So there may be some changes happening between us in the near future…

I actually was really excited to possibly go see Golfer in California because he lives near all the stuff I want to see! But I think that right now, the fun of the trip and sleeping with somebody newer seems more exciting… Realistically though, I’ve been wanting to be back with the ex since we broke up. I already love him and already know him. Golfer may not even be the type of guy I would ever want to date. Spending two days with him doesn’t even give me a glimpse into who he is, and he was drunk both days. I don’t even know if he and I would make good conversation, and I hate when I can’t have in depth conversations with people I date. And I think I get caught up in thinking about people who have their lives together. Golfer is already in the business world and can travel as he pleases. The ex has years of schooling ahead of him. I’d be able to start an adult life right away with Golfer (and I use Golfer here, but I could be speaking of any man), whereas I’m looking at a man who has 30 hours of college and wants to be a doctor.

But I think I just need to remember that despite the years of schooling ahead, he does make me very happy. If things go well, it’d be awesome to be his niece’s aunt one day and be a part of his family. And you know, if things don’t keep making me happy or I meet somebody who just blows me away, then I can move on without ever looking back. I would never want to marry anybody with “what ifs” still in my head.