Some more ramblings of a single girl… but this time one who has been on POF

I laid in bed for so long last night just thinking about everything and not being able to sleep. I think I had a hard time cause I spent most of my weekend inside cooking and I hate cooking. Like, devoted about 14 hours of my weekend to food. And because I cooked so much, I literally didn’t want anything to eat. I probably ate like, 500 calories in my weekend. So finally I took half an Ambien and was able to drift off at around 3am. So much for waking up to go to the gym this morning.

I did wake up to my awesome Keurig and some cappucino K-cups. It’s only $8 for a box of 18 cappucinos and that shit is DELISH! I could drink like, 18 a day. For reals.

Oddly enough (yeah back on track), I started to think of what I want in a man and then I was asked the same question on POF tonight by ArmyGuy. This guy and I have been messaging over the last 3 days, but just once a day. I mention in my POF profile that I’m an OIF vet (Operation Iraqi Freedom- but I don’t type that out) and he’s the first guy who didn’t ask what kind of animals I work with. He said, “Where in Iraq did you serve?” And we’ve been messaging since.

So let’s break this down…

Issues:

1. He’s 6’6″. Now I like tall guys, but I’m 5′. JJ and Magnum are both 5’9″ and I’m actually thinking that I can lower my 6′ minimum to 5’9″ now because they’re still tall enough for me and we probably look way less awkward than I would with somebody much taller.

2. He’s not going to be done with school till next December. Granted, he’s gone on three deployments so this is understandable. I think the bigger issue is that his major is American history. What the… One thing people need to be figuring out is that nobody cares about any of these random majors anymore. Our economy is shit. But whatever. Maybe in all his 6’6″ glory he’ll be a high school teacher. Well, aside from that, I’m working in my career. I kind of like dating people who are already established. Do I really want a guy who has class to go to and homework? Not really… But again, he’s been deployed so I can’t really be too picky.

Perks:

1. He’s attractive.

2. He was a soldier and he’s been deployed. Not that I saw much on my deployment, but you just can’t fathom a deployment unless you’ve been on one. For reals (I have been saying “for reals” far too much lately and it’s not even a good saying… WHERE DID IT COME FROM?!).

3. He actually seems really decent. He values honesty and integrity. He punctuates.

4. I actually look forward to his messages. He is the first person on any of these websites that I’ve looked foward to reading message from.

I was in such a hurry before to just go on random dates off these websites but I’m not now. Somebody asked me for my number and I just quit sending him messages. I don’t know why. I know the point is to be open but really, I don’t want to randomly text a million guys. I don’t expect a connection through messages, but there needs to be some interest, and if not, no phone numbers.

I have no idea if we’ll meet up or not. I think I’d like to, but actually, I just kind of want to talk on the phone and see how it goes. One of the things I miss about my ex is that we could talk on the phone so naturally for hours. Actually, every boyfriend I’ve had, I’ve been able to just sit and talk to on the phone. I’ve been overlooking that lately but it really is something I like.

Also, I really want to keep seeing Magnum. I haven’t texted him since Saturday when I said something about his dad. I think Wednesday or Thursday I may see if he wants to come over for dinner. I’m not really spending a lot of thought of this though. I’ve kind of realized this is probably not going to go anywhere, but maybe everything with his dad did play a part in the progression. In which case, I’ll slow it down and give him a few more openings, and then I’m done. It’s what I did with JJ. I’ll ask him to hang out once a week for 2-3 weeks or so, and if he doesn’t offer any other days or hang out, then it’s obvious that it wasn’t all just because his dad died. Beyond that, whatever… If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. Can’t do much about it. I do what a redo of the sex though… His penis was nice.

So this was going to be about my list of what I’m looking for in a man, but now I have to pee and I want to get out of my scrubs and go shower. But I’ll leave us all on a positive note (even though this is not exciting for anybody else), but on July 19th, I will no longer do a split shift at work. Split shift means I work 11a-11p 2/3 days for two weeks and I work 7a-7p for 1/3 shifts and 3/3 shifts on my weekend. I’m fed up with the change (it seems small, but it’s not). I finally just emailed our scheduler today and asked to be fully 7a-7p and I had an offer immediately. It’s my same pattern (we do a three week pattern and then it repeats) and I have to say, my pattern is complete shit, but at least I won’t do 11-11 anymore. You get killed on 11-11 because it’s the busiest part of the day. At least when I work 7-7, I have like 2-3 slow hours to drink coffee and check email and chat with coworkers before all hell breaks loose.

Bed time.

Ramblings of a lonely single girl

I’m really not sure what happened tonight (okay, well I kind of do because I have NO self control I asked Magnum if he wanted to get drinks even though I wasn’t sure what his family was up to and never got a response… more on that later). I went over to my friend’s after work (one of my newer friends who is pretty awesome) and we had some paleo dinner and hung out and talked. I left around 10:30 and on my way home, checked my facebook. I saw a comment a guy in mine and my ex’s unit had left on one of my photos. It was one of the ex and me on the day when I had my interview for my RN job and I was graduating in a few days and really, everything was just perfect… We were on our way to go on a date and we took a picture of us kissing (one of two pictures we ever took of ourselves kissing). The comment was something along the lines of how he didn’t know that the ex and I were together and how we hid it well in uniform.

Well, of course we did. We were in uniform. And we’re soldiers. But we also were dating so why show affection in uniform? But I loved seeing him dressed up and we spent a lot of our time together making trips for drill weekends and when we were long distance, that was a lot of our time together… And it just hit me I guess.

You’d think I’d be over this shit! But then I kind of realized something… He was my best friend for three years. I spent every night with him for a year. He was my comfort and the man I talked to about everything. We made decisions together. He was the one I had a huge commitment with. And I do love being a girlfriend and I’ve come to love that commitment, so when I miss having that, I miss him. And not only do I miss that sort of relationship (not necessarily with him), but I miss having him as my best friend. He was level headed and supportive and good in bed (okay, I know that’s not part of being a best friend). He made me feel good and he was always there with me.

Maybe it’s just natural for me to miss him when I miss having a relationship because he’s the last person it was with. It was just weird though how seeing that picture brought back so many memories of holding his hand under the table at lunch on drill weekends and of dating him in Iraq and how I loved getting his english muffin for him every morning at breakfast because there was so little I could do for him there… I missed waking up next to him and sleeping next to him and just coming home to him. I felt such an emptiness walking into my apartment tonight knowing he wasn’t here and it was just so strange. I was so close to crying and looked at the collage I have in my closet of us, of all of my favorite pictures of us.

I’m realizing more and more that I really just need to figure out how to embrace this being single thing. I am let down my Magnum. He’s obviously not interested and I shouldn’t even care since we barely hung out over the course of a month. I should brush it off and move on and not even give a shit. But it bothers me because he even used the words dating and showed interest and then it turned into nothing. Until I really like being single though, every person I date is going to be an emotional rollercoaster and that’s just not what I want.

It’s just hard not to feel alone when all your friends are with their boyfriends/girlfriends and you’re single. How do you just stop missing that companionship? The only reason I got to that point after Bobby was because I went to Iraq and had no interest in dating while I was there.

I don’t know… I need to go to bed. And I need to not be disappointed about Magnum because it obviously just wasn’t right, no matter how much I would have liked to get to know him better. I just need to go to CrossFit and have hangout sessions with my food processor (which btdubs, I made a cauliflour mash tonight instead of mashed potatoes and oooooh myyyy godd… I don’t even like white potatoes at all and these things were heavenly- then again, I may just be craving any carb-like food since I’ve really cut them out of my diet 95% of the time. And also, if you have an Ingles near you, buy the almond crusted lemon something flounder and bake it at 375 for 11 minutes and enjoy the other half of heaven. These are the things girls that can’t cook get excited about because nothing I make is ever very good, but I’m getting better… End longest side note ever.).

Dating is draining

I’m so frustrated by dating. Well, not that I’m even dating, because really, nobody ever stays interested. I hadn’t contacted Magnum at all since he said his dad died on Monday. I know he took all week off of work (it’s on his facebook) but I didn’t want to be overbearing. I texted him this evening and just said I was thinking of him and his family and hoped they were doing well. I didn’t really expect anything back because he’s probably tired of getting texts like that and he’s also probably busy. But then he’s tagged on facebook out with a bunch of people he hangs out with! So obviously he’s taking advantage of having the nights off. I don’t expect a ton from him right now because of his dad, but really, it’d be nice to maybe be an afterthought right now even, and it doesn’t even seem like that.

It does make me wonder if there’s something I’m doing wrong. I know JJ isn’t the relationship type, but really, I was kind of pushy with that one. But in the end, he was totally wrong because he can’t commit and I do want that eventually. Magnum and I seemed to get along well at first but he’s just been distant. I kind of thought after we had sex, things may pick back up (because his dad was doing better as well) but then his dad died. I can’t really lie to myself though- if he was interested, he’d still show it regardless of what is happening with his family. It’s not like I expect him to invite me out with his friends on this one night since it’s group of close friends getting together, but still… a text? Anything?

Other than that, Thing 1 had finally texted me back saying he might be free tomorrow night. I wasn’t even expecting to hear from him, but I’m off at 7 and told him that. No response in the last 1 1/2 days…

I think it’d be naive to think that every person I meet is flawed. When nobody seems interested, it kind of seems like it’s probably me. I did the whole letting-Magnum-initiate-contact thing at first, but I don’t want to have to play games. When I decide that I am interested, I want to be able to call somebody even if they haven’t called me. I don’t want to have to play some game.

I also had a weird dream while napping today that the ex and his girlfriend were sitting on a couch at a party and she was being weird, and he told me that she wanted nothing to do with me because of how I treated him. I know it was a dream, but I have wondered what he’s said to her about me. She knows who I am obviously and they spent hours upon hours talking on the phone when they first met (which is when he and I just quit talking). It just kind of threw me for a loop since I don’t think about that anymore, but really, I’d be pretty upset if he did say negative things about me because of how much I loved him.

I don’t know… I did make some really good flounder tonight, but technically all I did was bake it since I bought it preseasoned (almond crusted with lemon zest) from Ingles. I had planned to get more but was kind of out of it today since I worked until 3am last night. We also did a hero WOD at the gym today (longer workouts, hard, and after somebody who was killed in action) and I smoked it. I’ve decided to do a team competition at the end of next month even though I’m totally not competitive, but I hope it goes alright.

I’m just so bored with life because of having off when everybody works. I want to apply to surgical centers or something and work M-F 9-5 like the rest of the world, but I’d have to pay back my contract so I can’t leave yet. My friend is moving to my complex in 2 weeks (right above the ex’s apartment) and I’m super excited. I hope that helps because I’ve just been so bored since I’m not doing my BSN online. It’s nice to have time to learn how to cook, but I don’t enjoy cooking at all. I enjoy eating healthy things, but I’d much rather them appear on a table already made in front of me!

Still just feel like I’m just living… There’s just not much enjoyment lately in much of anything…

 

 

He totally ignored me! Buuut his dad died…

As I said earlier, I’d be pretty annoyed last night and today if I didn’t hear from Magnum. I knew he was back in town last night but I texted and asked if he was back. No response. I texted him happy birthday this morning and asked what he would be up to today. No response. I called him this afternoon and left a quick voicemail.

However, I kind of didn’t care. I guess I just want to know that I tried and I figured I’m busy the rest of the week so I wouldn’t be trying to contact him. He was on facebook chat tonight though and he always responds on there (but he’s not on much- that’s how we first started to talk though) so I asked if he had a good birthday.

And his dad died today… So that explains the lack of responses (today, not necessarily yesterday since he was out with his friends yesterday). I just said I was sorry and I’d be here if he needs anything and I’ll be thinking of him. He said thank you and I never said anything else. I have no idea what to do from here, so I think I’ll just text him in a couple of days that I hope things are going well and let him make the next move (even though I say this ALL the time). But really, I’m sure this coming weekend family will be in town and stuff, so I’m not pushing it.

I’m also annoyed because Thing 1 and I were supposed to get together this weekend and he never replied. Finally on Sunday morning he apologized for not texting earlier and said he went on an emergency work trip and we texted back and forth for awhile while I was at work. He’d start up more texting whenever I didn’t reply. But I asked him earlier today what he was up to tonight and then he was on facebook chat and I said hey and he saw it (facebook chat now shows you if they see it) and never replied. Whatever. I’m not even going to try and pursue him (even as a friend) if he’s going to be like that.

Anyway, I ended up buying a food processor today just to make this bread I found Paleo Bread. It turned out pretty well and the food processor was so awesome. I also made salmon for the first time. Not so successful, so I had to shred it up on the stove to cook it, but whatever. I don’t know if I ever said it, but my goal this summer (while I’m not taking classes) is to start learning how to cook. I really want to cut grains completely out of my diet and I’ve done pretty well and have actually cooked much more lately. So every day that I’m off, I’m going to try and make something new. And now I’m going to try and food process everything because it’s so awesome!

I did get hit on today. A 21 year old bought cigarettes in front of me and then while I was loading my groceries in to my trunk, he stopped his car and asked if I had a boyfriend and if he could take me out. He was also skinny and smokes (I’m just as unattracted to skinny guys as fat guys). I said I didn’t have a boyfriend, didn’t want one, and no thank you, but I appreciated the offer.

Anyway, Christian Friend should be here to get me soon. We’re going bowling with a bunch of people. We’ve been out of the ritual but it’ll be good to see them for sure. I’ve been in a blah mood today cause I was off and wanted to see people but everybody works on Mondays and those who live close ignored me (I’m being overdramatic here), so I was bored… but at least it allowed me time to cook. I’m glad I’m getting out of the house to hopefully get me out of this funk (not a bad funk, just a blah funk).

I’ll update if I ever have anything exciting to say, which is likely to be never.

 

Oooh crazy girl talk

So aahhh… after getting rid of Lucky, I found a cat yesterday when I went to pick up my friend to take her to the airport. I now have a 2.6lb black cat walking around my apartment (I did deflea her and am keeping her separate enough from Kitty). I think she’s going to a new home on Monday because as cute as this little baby is, I can’t do the two cat thing anymore and I can’t stand stressing Kitty out. Stressed Kitty=stressed mama.

I feel like I’m having a moment of clarity but really, who doesn’t have a moment of clarity when you’ve been working crazy hours all day and you know the guy you just slept with is out of town with his family and can’t call you till Sunday no matter what?! Right. My moment(s) of clarity will promptly end on Sunday if I don’t hear from Magnum. I can totally pretend I’ll still not care, but really, I’m a crazy bitch so I will care if I don’t hear from him.

Or maybe I’ll turn over a new leaf in the next 48 hours.

But really… I went to eat with my friend and her (loser) boyfriend tonight. By the way, what is up with these women liking such losers?! I don’t get it! Crazy Friend may not be the best catch (she’s bipolar and has fucked up a lot, but is now in paralegal school and working) but to date a 36 year old who works at Ingles?! Or my friend who just got her MBA going for a guy who works at Papa John’s (although, she lives off of her parents in her condo supplied by her parents)?! Or my other friend who is actually a real adult and is dating a guy who never even finished high school and is barely qualified to do anything and is too socially awkward to keep a job?! Nope. I don’t get it. Do women think about their future at all or am I the only one?

Anyway, to end that rant… So I went to eat with Crazy Friend and her loser 36 year old boyfriend who is actually very nice but still 36 and useless in society. Crazy Friend kept asking what I wanted from Magnum and really, I don’t want a boyfriend yet. I don’t even want somebody I have to call every day. I don’t want to plan my life around our time together. I do want somebody to date and to sleep over and to have interest in getting together, and eventually maybe it’d be nice to call him my boyfriend. But I really don’t want that quite yet.

I know I don’t want that. But for some reason when I met JJ, I wanted eveything but to be called his girlfriend, really. I do want to go do things with Magnum (but have no clue where that will go) or whatever guy I “date,” but I don’t want it to be my priority. At least not yet because I really do want to take it slow.

My mind is just so fucked up. I’ll probably feel totally different on Sunday or on Monday if Magnum doesn’t want to hang out with me on his birthday when we’re both off.

I had a patient today. She came in with her boyfriend and told me in front of him that she was on birth control so she hadn’t had her period. She was being super sketch and I had to walk her to the bathroom to leave a urine specimen and she goes, “Well, I think I should tell you guys something.” I really wasn’t sure what to expect. She starts by saying she had cervical cancer and actually had a partial hysterectomy and I really was confused as to why she hadn’t told her boyfriend. I mean, it’s cervical cancer… And it was gone.

And then the kicker comes. “And I’m HIV positive but he doesn’t know.” Uh, okay? They apparently use protection (I took my PA in with me to go talk to her) but in 35 states (including this one), it’s a felony not to disclose your HIV status with somebody you’re sexually (vaginally, anally, or in the mouth- yes it says that) active with.

It also made me even more what the fuckish about sleeping with Magnum without condoms because that’s her BOYFRIEND! And Magnum made me a little annoyed the other night acting like that woman he slept with on the cruise didn’t have anything because she’s some dumb bitch on a cruise! Why would she care if she told him that she had an STD?! They aren’t even facebook friends (I assume because he did not just friend any cops from Jacksonville!).

Also, this security guy at work asked me out “for drinks.” I noticed he’s been spending an awful lot of time around me lately and making a whole lot of conversation and actually mentioned it to Bean the other night. He’s always around and half the time, he talks to me while I’m charting (which drives me insane because I’m busy and trying to type and think!). Tonight he left right after me so he walked me to my car (which was right on the walkway thing) and asked what I was doing this weekend. I said I work all weekend and he asked if I wanted to get drinks one night after work.

Uuuuhhhh… Not really… For one, I’m completely opposed to dating somebody at work. Like, completely opposed. Two, he’s just not attractive. He’s tall but about 100lbs overweight and seriously… I’m a gym freak. I’m a health freak. I’m attracted to the same. I doubt he knows how into the gym I am because I wear scrubs and long sleeves every single day and we’re not facebook friends, but I can’t get over somebody who is that overweight. The ex wasn’t exactly Mr Fitness, but he kept up and I thought he was sexy… But now how do you say no to a date when it’s somebody you talk to all the time at work and you know he doesn’t just want drinks as friends?! I’m going to purposely never walk to my car with anybody of the opposite sex at work ever again.

I had sex with #20

Ugghhh… That’s how I feel. I’m slightly buzzed but can’t quit coughing (and my insurance company makes you have a primary care physician assigned before you go- they assigned me a DEAD one!) so I’m hoping some hycodan kicks in and allows me some sort of relief so I can sleep.

I gave in and texted Magnum tonight, after not hearing from him still since the weekend. He met me at my place to go get some dinner and we went out to eat. I brought up the fact that I tried to call him on Saturday night so I could come out to the lake with him and he said he wanted to talk to me about it and apologized, but he said a waverunner took off with his cell phone on it for three hours. Not a big deal, but still, he could have let me know on Sunday what happened. Or really, he could have called me any day and apologized and I wouldn’t have held it against him since we aren’t actually serious yet.

We sat and ate and talked about a bunch of stuff. He mentioned how dating is a hassle (and then clarified that this particular date was not a hassle). We both agreed we wouldn’t want to be married right now. I said something about needing to run and he said running depletes muscle (well, it won’t deplete my muscle but running does make muscle more lean). I said I wasn’t trying to be huge and he goes, “It’s not like you’re too muscular! You look really good.” I know he’s attracted to me. I also know I am a muscular female, especially because I get comments on my body frequently now that it’s summer again. But his comments make me wonder how much of this is just attraction for him and how much is actual interest… Anyway, then we came back to my place and had sex.

Yep. All three minutes before he went soft. There was some stuff leading up to it that was good (a man that’s good with his hands is nice- but his mouth could use some work). I had made a comment last time he was here about how he “better not be one of those guys that goes soft,” and he brought up how I jinxed him. He had actually said before sex how he had a problem keeping it up with one girl but it was because he wasn’t attracted to her. So when it happened, I joked, “I guess I’m just not attractive enough,” and he goes, “Oooh no! That’s not it at all!” Oh, but his penis is definitely not small, but he’s not as neatly groomed as I’d prefer.

He said the second girl he had sex with was on that cruise he went on (second girl since he was tested over the summer). It was a cop from Jacksonville but they didn’t use condoms! Luckily our sex was short cause he’s going to need to get checked out… I don’t care in the least that he had sex on the cruise (I expected it). After we attempted sex, we were talking and he was like, “Actually, I can’t sleep here. I have errands to run in the morning before surgery” (he has his sinus surgery in the morning). Then when he was getting dressed, some comment was made and he goes, “Yeah, but you’re a random girl.” I was kind of offended but jokingly said, “I’m a random girl?” and he goes, “Well, yeah, we’ve never had sex before.” Uuuuuhhh…? I walked him to the door and he said he’d let me know how his surgery goes tomorrow, but I don’t know.

I don’t care in the least that his penis didn’t work tonight. Sex the first time really doesn’t matter to me, and I know it could be better. But all his stuff about dating being a hassle is just a big red flag. He did agree that it’s not a hassle if the girl is right, but to feel like dating overall is a hassle is just not good. Not spending the night is not a huge deal, but he was planning on working in the morning before his surgery up until about 8pm tonight so I doubt he had that much to do tomorrow!

All I realized is I don’t want to chase somebody. I deserve to be chased. Seriously. I have a good job, I’m still working on my education, I pay all my own bills and live on my own and own a 2011 car, I work out regularly and am very fit, I’m clean (sexually and in the way of housekeeping), I’m learning how to cook but am very educated on what’s healthy and what’s not…. I mean, legit, I’m a pretty damn good package. I don’t lie, I don’t cheat, I’m honest as can be, and I’m more dedicated than you could ever imagine. My partner’s happiness is my goal. I always feel like I’m just tooting my own horn here, but for real, I see so many girls my age who aren’t dedicated to their future or who still aren’t self sufficient. I have a friend who lives with her boyfriend but couldn’t afford it on her own. I do all of this by myself. And by the way, my attitude is not “I’m all that” or anything. I don’t actually say any of these things out loud to anybody, ever, because I don’t want people perceiving me as thinking I’m better than them or better than others.

So, even though Magnum is sexy and I do like him, I’m not chasing him. If he pursues this from here, fine. But I doubt he will, and whatever. If he doesn’t see what’s right in front of him or if he doesn’t care to get to know me better, then fine. Not my loss. I’ve already pursued him about all that I care to.

Thing 1 and I texted a bunch last night. I may need to rename him if he becomes more of a regular here. He asked why we quit talking, but he was the one who never pursued plans back in December. Since he had been overly curious and overly wanting to date when we were hanging out and kept questioning if I was interested (and never made a move), I got tired of him. I wasn’t really sure what I needed back in December since it was so close to the ex, but hey, maybe I needed to date a couple of people who aren’t wanting girlfriends before appreciating how up front he was about being interested… But I kind of appreciate that now, after this whole JJ/Magnum thing. The ex was very assertive about his feelings towards me (please excuse any poor choices of words in my beer/hycodan haze) and I liked that about him. I also complain about that lacking with JJ and Magnum. I want to know the man is interested and I want to be pursued. Thing 1 is attractive and motivated about his life. I prefer loud and outgoing guys and Thing 1 isn’t, but JJ and Magnum are and they don’t really seem to be in to the girlfriend thing either.

Thing 1 and I made tentative plans for tomorrow, but he has a go live thing with his websites so he can’t. He asked about Friday or Saturday night so we’ll see. It should work out that we can get together. Like I said, I’m not sure where I want it to go or what I expect, but Thing 1 made it kind of obvious through texts that he was still interested. And right now, I actually appreciate that he understands that I am something special (by the way, I don’t mean that in a conceited way- I think Magnum and JJ are something special as well, which is why I spent time pursuing them).

But really, I’m not even sure about Magnum now. There are things I do really like about him, but I noticed tonight I feel like I’m holding back because now I know there’s the possibility I’ll get upset. I know he may change his mind and I may not see him for two weeks. Or at all. I’m catching on to these red flags. So, I’m starting to think he’s just not right for me… Which sucks because I do actually like him, but the ex wasn’t right for me and look how in love I was and how much that hurt.

I just need to not be put off my Thing 1′s availability, but I also want to make sure not to like him just because he’s available to me. I want to make sure that it is genuine. And I say these things using Thing 1 because he’s the guy who is present at the moment, but I mean this for any guy who is available. I fully appreciate a guy who is available in a relationship, and a man who is going to be available in a relationship will probably be just as available while dating. Anyway, regardless of all else, I’m really hoping Thing 1 and I get together this week. I’m excited to catch up with him and see how he’s been.

Blah. I am far too impatient for dating. I did mention to Magnum tonight that I hate dating but am good at relationship. It’s true.

I’m in limbo between wanting Magnum to call me and keep this going or for me to just be let down tomorrow that he doesn’t have the decency to call the day after sex (especially since he didn’t spend the night and I don’t think this is one night stand material). Maybe I just want him to pursue it so I can stomp on somebody’s heart at some point. I don’t know.

I should be going to bed… I’m taking my friend to the airport smack dab in the middle of my day off tomorrow, and then I work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday this week. Monday is Magnum’s birthday but he mentioned that he just wants to sleep all day and never mentioned wanting to see me, even though I had just said I was off all day on Monday.

Ugh, men…

Yesterday I realized that I was upset that Magnum didn’t invite me along for his Sunday Funday plans when we talked about them on the phone, but I realized I didn’t invite him to my plans when I mentioned them either. So I texted him to tell him he was welcome to come but honestly didn’t expect any response. He said to call him when I knew what we were going to do, so I called and we talked for a bit. He invited me out to the lake house with him but I was headed downtown and he said I could meet him out there after. I asked if he’d have his phone on him and he said he would.

I had a bonfire with some friends last night and we made tacos and drank beer. We all sat around and talked until about 11:30 and then I went home. Magnum didn’t answer when I called, but I assumed he would call this morning when he saw my call. Nope. Hasn’t called me today.

I’m pretty frustrated. I figured this would kind of be the last try (I give a lot of them, obviously). So, for real, if I don’t hear from him, that’s it. I gave it way more than a fair shot and it’s completely clear that I’m interested. But I doubt he’ll call me back, and even if he does, he’s probably not going to ask to get together.

So since I decided to wait to have sex with him, I didn’t even get laid out of this. That’s pretty disappointing and quite frankly, I don’t think I’m going to wait to have sex again if I want to do it. It didn’t make any difference in the outcome of the situation, so why not at least get sex out of it?!

I had tried to contact Thing 1 a few times (the guy I dated immediately after the ex) but hadn’t heard back. By a few times, I mean once in text and once in a facebook chat message, and this is since December. I saw him tagged in New York a few weeks ago with his ex. But I sent him a message today and asked if he wanted to get lunch (because I was feeling desperate and sad- I’ll get into the sad part in a minute) and he said he couldn’t today but maybe later this week. So I guess we’ll meet up? Not sure what’s going on with him and his ex, and not sure I want to “date” him, but he actually was a really nice guy and he’s pretty attractive too. He has a nice body cause he works out a lot and he’s 6’2″, so works out nicely. But with him, I really don’t have expectations. I hope to at least see him and catch up and it’d be nice to have another friend right across the street. I think I was so closed off to him before though cause it was so close to the ex, but maybe it’d go somewhere? I don’t know if I’d even want it to, but we’ll see.

I just want Magnum to like me, damnit! Things seemed to be going so well!

Anyway, so last night I got home and took some Nyquil and went to bed (I need to see the doctor cause I’ve had a really persistant cough). Lucky wouldn’t quit meowing and I was so tired. I tried locking him in the laundry room but he scratched the door. He wouldn’t stop. I’ve never really hit my cats and I about beat the shit out of the cat (I definitely hit him a ton- I’m a bad person). I felt SO bad. I seriously was just so mad and tired and wanted to sleep. So I decided to get rid of him.

I took him back to the humane society today and cried the entire way. I do love him (I love all cats, really), but I couldn’t take it anymore. He’s just not a good fit here and Kitty wasn’t enjoying him being here. I haven’t slept at my house in the last 6 nights because of how much Lucky has been meowing at night and he’s affecting my performance at work because I’m so exhausted all the time. So he’s gone and I feel like the worst person in the world for getting rid of one of my pets. I know I only had him for two months, but really, I feel horrible.

And it made me feel worse not to have anybody there. These are the things that the ex would have been with me for, and I would have had his help all along in making the best decision. I didn’t even really dwell on that much, but I’ve noticed in the last few weeks, I’ve just been feeling kind of depressed. I’m terrified of being depressed again. It’s been one of my biggest fears since I quit being depressed about 4 years ago, and the only other time I felt it creeping up was in Iraq when I was taking out of the ER and put in the S shop to work on awards and was told I’d be stuck doing awards for the rest of the deployment (like, 6 more months). I actually got out of it because I went to my first sergeant and told him I had a history of depression and was extremely unhappy working in the S shop and wanted to go back to my job as a medic, and he made it happen.

But really, I’ve just been getting really sad lately for no reason and I’ve been feeling so alone and have been just wanting to seclude myself. I really thought about taking Ambien the entire weekend and just sleeping it away so I couldn’t end up disappointed or sad, but I somehow managed to listen to my rational side. But then I’ll feel fine at times, so I don’t know… It’s just scaring me how often I’m feeling alone or sad.

Anyway, I need to head downtown to meet up with Bean. I’m exhausted from Lucky keeping me up all night and crying when I got rid of him today, but I don’t just want to sit at home!